Battle for the Blame

A battle has waged in cinema for the past 24 years. It’s torn fathers and sons apart. Split lovers into competing factions. And made nerds everywhere question their very fandom. Who is to blame for the travesty that is Alien: Resurrection? Acclaimed French director Jean-Pierre Jeunet or faux feminist Joss Whedon. Finally, with my super scientific method, this question will be answered. The battle will at long last be decided, and everyone can finally breath a heavy sigh of relief.

Film Facts:

Year: 1997

IMDB Rating: 6.2

Budget: $75 million

Opening Weekend: $16.5 million

Domestic Gross: $47.8 million

Top Grossing Film of 1997: Men In Black - $250 million

The Beligerants:

Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Up to this point, he’d done Delicatessen and The City of Lost Children. Both French-language films, both as tasty as a crème brulee on a cold, winter day. His films could be described as fantastical, dreamy and very very strange. Alien was the first and last Hollywood film Jeunet would direct. He followed this up with his most acclaimed film, Amelie.

Writer Joss Whedon

Up to this point, Whedon hadn’t done much. Buffy The Vampire Slayer premiered the same year as Alien: Resurrection. His lone writing credits are for the Buffy movie, a handful of tv sitcom scripts, and he’s one of 8 credited for writing Toy Story. I’m sure he contributed the one-liners. He would go on to do Buffy, Firefly, Cabin in the Woods, Avengers yada yada yada.

The Beef:

Curiously, in an industry where the script is often passed amongst a variety of writers, especially when it comes to big-budget fare like this, Whedon is the lone writing credit. And he’s on record stating his script essentially made it to screen. He’s also on record stating Jeunet and the rest of the crew ruined the film, even blaming the cast for the film’s failure. Not one for taking responsibility, Whedon.

For his part, Jeunet has stated he was given total freedom from the studio to make the film he wanted. He also didn’t speak a lick of English at the time of filming. Maybe he just misunderstood what they were trying to tell him?

At any rate, nothing is muddying the waters here. The blame and praise will be clear.

The Method:

Both men will be either given a +1 or a -1 for the following reasons:

Script (Joss)

- Dialogue

- Story

- Character Development

- Action Set Pieces

- Pacing

Direction (Jean-Pierre)

- Cinematography

- Editing

- Acting

- Casting

- Set Design

- Effects

Sidenote: Recent news has emerged that Whedon is quite the piece of shit, going back to his days on the set of Buffy. I will try to not let that knowledge effect this clearly official and scientific method. He will only be docked for his hacky writing.

Competitors Ready!

Fight!!!

+1 Jeunet – Very cool opening credits with a close-up on a squirming, pulsating alien-Ripley clone. At least, I think that’s what it is. We get a shot of a human eye at one point.

+1 Whedon and Jeunet – They both get credit for a nice opening pull in on the Ripley clone, followed by a dissection of the alien chestburster from her body.

+1 Jeunet – Brad Dourif as an unscrupulous scientist? Yes, please.

-1 Jeunet – The lead scientist just dives straight into creepy villainy. He’s no Dourif.

-1 Jeunet – The casting of Dan Hedaya as the military commander is….. suspect. It only took one scene for him to go bugeyed on us. Good grief.

+1 Jeunet – Very cool reveal of the alien queen.

-1 Whedon – The script doesn’t seem to know if Ripley is still a child and learning to speak or if she has her memories and feelings from before. The whole setup is nonsensical.

+1 Whedon – If you have to bring Ripley and the aliens back, the cloning process is a good way to go. And the concept of there being some genetic splicing between the two makes for some interesting possibilities. But will Whedon effectively explore those?

+1 Jeunet – Ron Perlman is the best. Fight me.

-1 Whedon – So our introduction to the mercenary ship’s crew includes both women being creeped on and a parapalegic getting a knife thrown in his leg. And almost no lines for our co-protagonist, played by Winona Ryder.

-1 Whedon – Did he even try to write a convincing metal detector scene? Modern airports are more secure than this hunk of junk. Oh, but the detector is on a glove. The fuuuuture.

+1 Jeunet – I want whiskey cubes that melt under a laser. Now that’s the future. Pointless frivolities that don’t make life more convenient but make it a whole lot cooler.

+1 Jeunet – Michael Wincott is the quentissential movie baddie of the 90s. Coolest voice ever.

-1 Whedon – Unfortunately, half his dialogue has been about how hot his pilot is. First he tells her. Then he tells Dan Hedaya. Imagine having locker room talk with this face.

On second thought, maybe that should get a +.

+1 Jeunet and Whedon – The reveal that the mercenaries have brought captives on board for the aliens to infect is pretty great. And it’s a suitably creepy scene. We no longer have to wonder from where the aliens will hatch.

-1 Whedon – Ripley meets the mercs while playing…… basketball. And she plays keepaway from an angry Perlman, eventually starting a fight. Not even Lawrence fucking Olivier could have made this scene passable.

-1 The World – Creepy foot fetish scene! Stop it! Burn the whole thing down!!!!

+1 Jeunet – A moment of quiet and lounging for the crew leads to the first reveal of the aliens, punctuated by Dourif getting freaky with one through the glass. You know that shit wasn’t in the script. Mr. Dourif, I salute you. Stay weird.

-1 Whedon – We get the first mention of the alien being Ripley’s “baby.” It’s only going to get worse.

-1 Jeunet – I hate Ripley’s look here. It’s mostly in the nails. Gross.

-1 Whedon – The reveal of Ryder as a what, eco terrorist? It comes out of left field. We still know nothing about her character other than she seems to know everything going on with Ripley and the aliens. Don’t worry, how she knows will be explained, but by then, no one will care.

-1 Whedon – The action sequence where the mercs wipe out the soldiers trying to kill them for Ryder’s attempted sabotage is all typical Whedon, suitably over-the-top and cheesy. It doesn’t work though because they have no personality, and we don’t care about them. Pointless action with a lotta flare.

+1 Whedon – The set up of how the aliens escape is really well done. It’s been established they’re smarter due to human dna spliced in their genes, and they’ve already started learning in an earlier scene.

1 Jeunet – The pig-like squeels of the one alien being killed by the other two is terrible. In fact, the whole scene, while great in concept, is nearly ruined in execution by the sound effects. Also, the alien hand reaching through the hole in the floor to snatch Dourif looks fake and dumb.

+1 Whedon – The scene where the whole ship is being evacuated, and an alien slips into one of the escape pods to murder everyone inside is tense and super effective!

-1 Whedon – Following this scene up with Hedaya being snuck up on by an alien is a whaaaat? His death is comical.

+1 Jeunet and Whedon – Wincott’s death is the first scene where some time is actually taken and tension is built. Where has this been in my Alien movie? It follows on the heels of a bunch of action and death, so it’s kinda like, why are we suddenly pausing for tension amidst all the brainlessness, but whatever. I’ll take it.

-1 Whedon - “Who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?” Goddamnit, Joss. Are you going to speak for Ripley this entire movie? Or is she gonna have her own personality? I already know the answer.

-1 Whedon – Again, because Ryder’s character has been given zero build or explanation, we don’t know why she’s so dead set against Ripley coming with the rest of the survivors. It’s like Whedon was given a note that his script needed conflict here, so he just threw that part in.

End of the first half – The aliens are free and most of the principle cast has been killed off, and the score at this time is:

Jean-Pierre Jeunet = 5

Joss Whedon = Negative-5

So far, there’s not a lot to comment on as far as the direction goes. The creature effects are all great, as you’d expect, and the sets and costumes befit the Alien franchise. Aside from a highly questionable casting decision of Dan Hedaya who brings an odd comic sensability to the movie, there’s not much to dock. And I’ll hear no complaining about Dourif. He is a god amongst men. The acting and cinematography are fine, if not paint-by-numbers.

Whedon’s script, on the other hand, is filled with two-dimensional characters and cartoonish action. Our two main protagonists have no clear personality or motivation. Ripley’s performance is solid but undermined by a script that can’t seem to decide whether Ripley is like a child relearning the world, a victim of unscrupulous science or a badass, quip machine who loves basketball and rankling poor Ron Perlman.

Competitors Ready!

Fight!!!

-1 Whedon - “Who were you expecting, Santa Claus?” The one-liners will never end, so long as we allow Whedon to live.

+1 Whedon – The ship is auto-piloting back to Earth. Aliens on Earth? Now we’re talkin! Also, it’s a good way to up the ante going into the final stretch.

-1 Whedon - “Hey Ripley, I heard you, like, ran into these things before?” “That’s right.” “Wow, man. So, like, what did you do?” “I died.” Jesus fucking Christ. Maybe we should recast this movie with teenagers, then it’ll finally work. Air it on the CW. Cash cow.

+1 Jeunet and Whedon – The reveal of the previously failed Ripley clones is suitably gross and unsettling. It also adds a new dimension to our Ripley. While she may look and talk exactly like Ripley, we’re all reminded where she comes from and the fate that could have easily befallen her. Her inner turmoil and anguish in destroying the clones is well acted by Sigourney Weaver.

-1 Whedon – Suddenly Ryder is on Ripley’s side and not only gives Ripley the flamethrower to kill the failed clones, but she comforts her after. Oh, I get it. The character is meant to be bipolar.

-1 Whedon – “He’s got one inside him; I can smell it.” When did Ripley get that super power?

-1 Jeunet – He cast another character actor who really shouldn’t have been in this movie. Leland Orser pretty much only knows how to look sweaty and scared. Which is clearly what the script called for, but his performance lacks any other dimension.

+1 Whedon – An underwater action sequence with the aliens is a perfect setup. It’s even better that their escape leads right into a nest of eggs.

-1 Jeunet – Somehow, Jeunet fails to build much of any tension in this sequence. They just swim underwater for awhile, one alien is killed, while the pilot is dragged away by another. That’s a pretty cool shot, but it isn’t enough to make this a memorable enough scene like it should have been.

+1 Whedon – Ok, so Dr. Evil McScience turning on our heroes isn’t exactly a shock, but it at least adds more tension and suspense as we barrell toward the climax. Also, killing off Ryder’s character is a welcome shock.

+1 Whedon – It took him plenty of tries, but Whedon finally writes a cheesy action sequence that works, as Perlman dangles from a ladder firing upside down to kill an alien. It probably only works because it’s Ron Perlman, but I’ll give Joss the point.

+1 Ron Perlman – I don’t know who to credit for him getting scared by a spider and shooting it right after killing the alien. So I’ll credit Hellboy, the best part of this movie.

-1 Whedon – An Alien movie needs an android, apparently. Cue the reveal that Ryder is still alive because she is one. It adds nothing to the character and does nothing to explain her motivations. Oh, but it does add a nice Deus Ex Machina, so they can blow up the ship before it reaches Earth. So much for that plot point.

+1 Whedon – I could take a point away for the pow wow between Ripley and Ryder for being too little too late, but hey, it’s at least something. And both Weaver and Ryder finally get a chance to ummmmm act. A clone relating to an android about the point of living and moving on. This movie needed way more of this dynamic.

-1 Whedon - “I’m so tired.” “Sleep when you die, man.” Fuck you, Joss.

-1 Jeunet – He doesn’t seem to know how to handle Ripley’s draw to the alien queen. He opts for eroticism. Ewww.

-1 Jeunet – Ripley falls through an alien vagina.

-1 Whedon – Ripley falls through an alien vagina.

-1 Jeunet – Ripley dry humps an alien. Or is it dry……..? How do you type a shudder?

+1 Whedon – I’ll give him credit for writing a scene where an alien chest-burster rips from one man’s chest and through the evil scientist’s skull. It’s cool in concept.

-1 Jeunet – It’s not so good in execution. Silly, and it takes way too long. What, does having an alien inside you turn you into a terminator? Maybe he could have snuck up on him instead of shrugging off a full clip of bullets and ramming the dude’s face into a pipe before finishing him off with the chest burster. It’s a bit much.

+1 Jeunet – Brad Dourif cocooned and monologuing about the birth of the alien-human hybrid is one of the most amazing moments in the entire franchise. Only he could have pulled this off. If you only watch one scene…….

+1 Whedon – The world wasn’t ready for an alien queen giving birth like a human. But I am. What the hell does that say about me?

+1 Jeunet – The creature is disgusting. Cool.

-1 Jeunet – Once again, Jeunet undoes brilliant animatronics with stupid sound effects. The hybrid sounds like Toka and Razar from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Look it up.

-1 Whedon – Three stupid one-liners in one scene for Ripley. I can’t even.

-1 Jeunet – All the scenees with the hybrid on the ship are shot in closeups. It’s hard to see the action and hard to feel any suspense cause we don’t know if any of our heroes are in danger. This is the first time Jeunet’s camera work feels lacking.

-1 Jeunet – The hybrid has boobs……. And Ripley cups one…… Pretty sure that wasn’t in the script.

-1 Whedon – Every line of dialogue for the climactic sequence is either a cheesy one-liner or one character shouting another’s name. Grow the fuck up, Joss.

+1 Jeunet – The hybrid getting sucked through a tiny crack in the ship is……. awesome. It’s just so fucking awesome. And they did a damn good job giving the hybrid a face that actually shows emotion like fear.

Final Score:

Jean-Pierre Jeunet = 0

Joss Whedon = Negative-6

And we have a winner!

At long last, after 24 years of debate, it has been conclusively proven that Joss Whedon shares most of the blame for the failure of Alien: Resurrection.

At the end of the day, it’s just an awful script. Whedon has some good story ideas, from the cloning of Ripley to the alien-human hybrid as the big baddie in the end. But it offers nothing else. Strangely, this script would fit right in alongside The Avengers or any other schlocky crap he’s made since this.

It’s not like he’s gotten better as a writer. It’s just most of his later work takes advantage of characters, who either have time to develop through a tv show or are already developed from previous movies. His dialogue is sophmoric, and the movie sprints from dumb action sequence to dumb action sequence so fast that the audience doesn’t even have time to be scared of the aliens or care about the humans they kill.

As for Jeunet, he really doesn’t add much. He made some poor casting decisions, some poor audio decisions and some of the visuals could have been less…… questionable. But it’s mostly well-acted and well-shot. It’s just a big dumb action movie in a franchise that has always strived for far more.

I really don’t know how the directing could have made it better. For every moment Jeunet is typically criticized for, the creepy hybrid, Ripley having maternal feelings for the aliens, prego alien queen, well, that’s all in the script.

If you’re interested in a good Jeunet action-adventure, watch Micmacs. And if you wanna watch something good by Whedon, rewatch Buffy for the hundredth time and try to forget he wrote any of it. The man is a fucking creep. Peace!